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A sterling silver Green Lantern ring
I have always wanted a Green Lantern ring, at least as long as I've known who the Green Lantern is. And it wasn't that
I thought he was the greatest superhero ever, it was just that he was one of only two superheroes I knew who even wore rings.
You couldn't really wear a Superman ring and pretend that you were Superman, because Superman doesn't wear a ring. And besides,
hardly anyone knows who Green Lantern is, so I wouldn't get all these stupid comments about "Hey, Green Lantern!" and "I guess
you think you're Green Lantern, huh?" I could just wear it as a novelty and no one would know the real truth, that I am Guardian
of the Universe! Or at least like this one little part of it, I'm not sure how that works; the point is, I would remain anonymous.
Although I do wonder how Hal Jordan or any of those others get away with wearing this ring around all the time, because of
course in their universe, everyone knows who Green Lantern is. And finally, I liked this ring because I could wear it just
like the real Green Lantern does, and not be some fanboy wannabe, like how when I was in fourth grade my best friend Robbie
Stanek bought me a Fonzie t-shirt but I wouldn't wear it because Fonzie never wore a Fonzie t-shirt, he wore a leather jacket.
And I think even back then, a guy buying another guy a leather jacket had certain connotations, so I never brought it up with
Robbie.
Anyway, so I have wanted one of these ever since I was a kid. And you know how you have all these childish fantasies
that seem so totally awesome when you're a kid, but that when you get older they just seem stupid? Well, mine never seem to,
they just seem more and more awesome the older I get. And in my own defense, someone else obviously agrees with me because
they even make rings like this in my size. Anyway, yeah, this was the very first thing that I ever bought on Ebay.
The Phantom Skull Ring
Remember how I said that Green Lantern was one of two superheroes I knew about who wore rings? Well, this is the other
one: The Phantom. This is not that kind of effeminate, Broadway-showtunes Phantom of The Opera, but the Ghost-Who-Walks, the
one created by Lee Falk in 1936 (two years before Superman). The Phantom lived in a cave shaped like a skull, in the middle
of the African jungle. He had two rings, one was the mark of good, like you could wear it in the jungle and everyone would
buy you lunch; the other was the skull ring, so that if he punched you in the face you would get this mark that would never
go away and everyone would know that you're a villian.
Anyway, this ring was like $7.00 total and I couldn't resist buying it. It rocks.I will wear it wherever I go.
The Phantom Skull and "Good Sign" Ring
Why two rings?
This one is quite a bit larger, actually, than the other one. But most importantly it has the "GOOD" sign on the sides
of it....and come to think of it, how the heck else are you supposed to leave the "Good" sign on someone? Someone gets the
"Bad" sign when you punch them in the face, how are you supposed to leave the "Good" sign? Weird.
Anyway, yeah, remember what I said about wearing that first ring wherever I go? Forget it. I will wear this
one wherever I go. If I ever get married again or whatever, she can wear the other one. And does it seem unlikely to you that
I will ever meet a woman who is willing to wear a Phantom skull ring? Well, if she's the one for me, she's probably out there
looking for a Phantom skull ring right now.
Cowboy Boots (Lizard skin and Snake skin)
These boots are so totally incredibly awesome!! I paid like $22.00 total for both pairs of boots, both in totally excellent
condition, and do you know how much they would have cost me in the store? Easily ten times what I paid here!
I should say as I write this I have not won the black pair, but I totally hope I do (I got four hours left and I am keeping
my eye on it). I hope some jerk doesn't outbid me at the last 5 seconds of the auction, like someone did with those comic
books last week.
Klingon Lapel Pin
I love Klingons. They just so totally rock. They are always like, up in your face about stuff and they never apologize
or back down, unless you kill them. But even then they're all about dying with honor as long as you kill them fair and square
they don't even mind. Klingons are better than ninjas.
And so I thought if I got this lapel pin I could wear it on my suit jacket and then when folks asked me stuff I could
be all up in their face and it would be okay, you know, because I'm a Klingon. I haven't got the pin yet so I don't know if
that actually works. But I figure, what better way to declare myself a Klingon?
Klingon Bat'leth
Well, before I wondered, what better way to declare myself a Klingon than with a dinky lapel pin? I found one. It's a
four foot long stainless steel Klingon honor blade with opposing grips! Not that I would ever actually use it, but it would
totally kick ass hanging above my mantle (when I get my own house).
I've also considered making up my own family crest in Klingon and making a huge picture of it to hang on the wall. I'll
let you know how that turns out.
Klingon-Style double folding blade
I wanted to just show a picture of the blade itself but there wasn't one on the page, so I've had to include this one
of some kid holding it. I've blue-dotted his face to preserve his anonymity, but also because he seemed way too happy
to be holding an instrument of death, which I found a bit disturbing. The way it was advertised on Ebay, it seems to be an
actual working weapon, although it's hard to imagine what set of circumstances would lead one to actually use it, unless you
were in the military and just the slightest bit insane and not supervised very closely, or maybe a member of some sci-fi themed
street gang. I don't know.
Anyway, this will take it's place alongside my honor blade on the wall of my hypothetical house which I hope to one day
own. One day soon.
Art: Kramer, and Dogs Playing Poker
My ex-wife had physical custody of my boys for many years and, because she's completely insane, severely limited my access
to them. As a result, their exposure to any culture outside of what she deemed acceptable was severely limited as well. Hopefully,
now that I have full custody (Yay me!), I will be able to expose them to a much broader variety of things, like the Ramones
and the Clash and Elvis Costello. And these, a print of Michael Richards as Kramer, and a framed picture of Dogs Playing Poker.
It's not that I demand they like the same things I like, or have the same taste in music or art. But I want them to have
an appreciation of all kinds of different things, you know, as long as it's not showtunes or disco.
A Great Big Lion Statue
Remember in that book, The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe, how the White Witch turned all these animals
and things into statues? That was pretty cool. I mean, cool but totally uncool, if you were one of the things turned into
a statue. Anyway that's kind of what I thought about when I saw this statue, like, how Aslan (the Lion that was supposed to
be like Jesus) freed all the animals and stuff, and there was this other regular lion there who was all freaking out
and stuff. I thought that was cool. And so I got this lion statue to put in the garden I am planting in the backyard. Anyway
I thought it was better than stupid naked angels and stuff like that. Plus they didn't have Klingons or anything. And don't
you think birds and rabbits will be more scared of a lion than a saint or an angel or a little kid fishing in a bird bath?
Anyway, I do.
Monkey Lamp
When you're trying to sell this lamp on ebay, there is a great deal to say about it. How much it originally cost, who
made it, where it came from, all of it's history. And all of that is interesting. But all you really need to know is that
it's a freakin' lamp that looks like a monkey in a fez playing the trombone!!!! This is the coolest thing ever!!!
Taxidermy: 47" rattlesnake, 3' Iguana holding an ashtray, Large frog holding an ashtray, and jackalope
There really is no reason that I bought these, except that I was so totally pissed that someone outbid me by one freakin'
dollar on the black snakeskin boots and I was so pissed I wished I could go after him with my Klingon bat'leth. Just kidding
about the bat'leth part. And in truth I clicked wrong and bid on the rattlesnake by accident. But at least if I wind up getting
these things, whenever anyone tries to break into my house they'll be scared to death wondering what kind of person lives
there.
(Note: Outbid on the iguana, didn't meet the reserve on the rattlesnake, still waiting to hear about the toad and
the jackalope. To be honest, I could care less about the toad).
Planet of The Apes - The Animated Series
Isn't this the most amazingly awesome thing you ever saw in your entire life?? Did you guys even know they had
a Planet of The Apes cartoon? My finding this is like an art historian finding, say, Venus de Milo's arms, or Van Gogh's
other ear.
Ok, I should say, I knew there was a cartoon Planet of The Apes because I have a vague, unformed memory
of watching it when I was like nine or ten. Hard to say because I had so much else going on at the time. But even though
I knew the cartoon existed, out there, somewhere in the Toon Universe, I never in a hundred bajillion years would have imagined
that anyone would ever put it on DVD. It just seems too obscure, and like there are so many other more popular cartoons that
aren't on DVD; it seems like 1950's educational VD films would be out on DVD before this one ever made it.
Anyway there it was, a two disc set that, after a brief bidding war, was all mine. And I realized that as soon as I get
it, I will have every episode of every version of Planet of The Apes that was ever put to film. And while I am eagerly
awaiting its delivery, I'm starting to wonder what else I can do with my life, now that I have all the Planet of The Apes
stuff? Help the poor?
Monkey Bookends
Why two sets of monkey bookends? You never really can have enough, can you? But also, my sister is getting married in
August and I think one set will make a nice wedding gift.
The Beat Farmers - Poor & Famous
In 1989 I had this one girlfriend and I was driving down from Richmond, VA to visit her and her family, and it was a
long drive so before I left I went to the record store and got this on cassette, along with Warren Zevon's Transverse
City. I got there really late and it was just a kind of long peaceful night-time drive and I wore both of the tapes out
within a few months. I've never been able to find either of them on CD (they're both out of print), and even could only find
a few of the songs on Napster or Kazaa.
So that's a kind of long way of just saying I found this really really awesome CD on ebay. The Beat Farmers are really
great, and to me they always kind of sound like what punk rock would sound like if instead of evolving from rock music, it
evolved out of country music. So I am totally pumped and I'm listening to this CD right now as I write this.
Warren Zevon's Tranverse City
Now, a lot of people will tell you that by 1989, Warren Zevon's best days were behind him. This is totally not true.
First of all, because he was never that big a mainstream hit, and all his best songs hardly anyone knows. But I've always
liked his songs, even from the 70's, and I think this was one of his best albums ever (if you still call them albums). Admittedly,
maybe my opinion is biased because of that one night when I drove from Richmond to my girlfriend's house and played this all
night long, but it might also be the awesome songs on here. I don't think there's one bad one.
Suddenly I'm wishing I hadn't used up that great "Driving From Richmond" story when I wrote about the Beat Farmers.
April O'Neill Action Figure (rare)
I bought this one for my kids, honest. I think the Ninja Turtles are stupid. But for some reason this April O'Neill figure
is completely impossible to find in the stores, I don't know why. So while I would go on Ebay and buy these huge lots of used
action figures for the boys, I kept looking and looking for April O'Neill, and never could find her. I got a good deal on
this one, though, brand new, still in the package. And my son loved it, and that's what's important.
Batman Patch
I got this along with a Superman patch, thinking they would look cool on my denim jacket. Not really sure about it now.
I guess I could kind of put it on the back like I'm part of some futuristic Gotham City vigilante gang, like those punks in
that Dark Knight comic book where the leader of the gang got in a fight with Batman and let him rip his nose off just to show
he could take it and then Batman hit him in the elbow so he couldn't move his arm and then shoved his face in a mud puddle.
That was really cool. But I don't know if anyone will get the connection, just from this one patch.
Bigfoot Action Figure
Not only do I think that Bigfoot is real, I like to sometimes just think about Bigfoot. Sometimes I imagine that I find
one and he gets to be my friend and doesn't trust anyone but me,and we both become celebrities. And then I meet Paris Hilton
and she decides to give up all her party-girl ways to settle down with me. No, wait, not Paris Hilton, Natalie Portman. No,
um....Alyssa Milano. Yeah, that's a good one. And so anyway we settle down and Bigfoot lives in our backyard and plays with
our kids. But he's nice.
So anyway I keep this action figure around, and keep my fingers crossed.
The Confederate National Flag
I love the South, and being Southern, and girls with Southern accents. And please no one tell me about hate groups and
racists; those are everywhere, not just here, and it's not what the South is about. I love the gentle South, the
chivalry, the simplicity, the manners, the culture. You don't see it much anymore. There's not much of it left.
Anyway, I didn't want to get the battle flag with the Blue Cross of St. Andrew on a Field of Red. That one seems to offend
people, and rightly so, I guess, since it was adopted by and has come to be associated with the KKK. This flag was the Confederate
National Flag, and much more appropriate for the South that I love.
Monkey banging cymbals
I don't know, I thought they were cute.
But you know how everyone hates clowns and ventriloquist's dummies because they're so creepy and weird? Well, forget
them. This classic toy is the creepiest, weirdest thing ever. There should have been an episode of Buffy The
Vampire Slayer about a demon who just sat there with these huge eyes, bang-bang-banging away on his cymbals until everyone
went crazy and ripped their own hearts out. And then Buffy could save them and Xander would say something sarcastic, and it
would all be ok, of course.
So why did I buy this? It wasn't for me, it was for a girl. A girl who may just turn out to be the girl of my dreams!!!
Demon Skull (actual size)
Well I found this skull on Ebay when I did a search on the word "life-size". You can find some really bizarre crap that
way. But I don't know how anyone can say this is a "life-size" demon skull. What do they base that on, an actual living demon?
Now I have some very conservative fundamentalist Christian friends who will tell me that this is Satanic and
that I shouldn't put it on display. And I would say, at least, forget for a moment that it's not even real, but just putting
the skull of something on display would not be honoring that thing. Like, on Deep Space Nine, during the Dominion
Wars when the Klingons would make necklaces out of Cardassian neckbones. And then they would say, well, Star Trek
isn't real, and I would say, neither is this demon skull real. But the point is, I don't honor the demon; the demon
is dead, and I've put his gnarled skull on display so that other demons will know not to mess with me. And then my
fundamentalist Christian friend would stop talking to me.
Einstein Action Figure
I just had to have one of these. Of all the people who were actually, physically real (as opposed to most of my friends
and all of my dates these days, who are completely imaginary) Einstein is the most intriguing (Wow, intriguing is
a really weird word when you type it out like that). I mean, the dude sits around and thinks about stuff that none of
the rest of us can even understand! He's talking about the speed of light and little teeny atoms and everyone else is going
"Huh?" This is like the smartest dude in the universe and he couldn't even master hair gel. Weird. And I'm no conspiracy buff
or anything, really, but I think this guy was an alien or something.
When I think about it, he's really not much different than the guys I went to high school with. I mean, he sits around
thinking all the time, blurts out some crap that no one can understand, and then goes and blows some shit up. That sounds
like everyone I knew in ninth and tenth grade.
So anyway, yeah.
Good times.
Skipper and Gilligan Bobble Heads
What do I have to say about this? It's the Skipper and Gilligan! And their heads bobble up and down!
Planet of The Apes Action Figures
Well I actually got a bunch of action figures from Planet of The Apes: I got Taylor, Zira, Cornelius, General
Ursus, and Dr. Zaius. And they're all great and everything, I mean, you need them, really.
But this is the most awesomest one of them all. This is The Lawgiver. He was in the fifth movie, Battle
For The Planet of The Apes. Actually he was just a statue (that's why he's all one color like that, get it?). The lawgiver
was kind of their God or something, or maybe like George Washington, I don't know, it was never really made clear. But the
thing is when General Urko hacked off the branch that Ceasar's son was climbing on and then the kid died and everyone started
chanting "Ape has killed Ape! Ape has killed Ape!" (because man killed man, and man killed ape, and ape killed man, but ape
was not supposed to kill ape, get it?) and it erupted into a huge riot and there were fires and the movie ended with all the
smoke going up in front of this statue of The Lawgiver and he had a single tear in his eye. Because like everyone was killing
one another. Or maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but anyway it should have ended that way.
So I got this really awesome action figure of the Lawgiver and made a shelf for him all his own in my room, with three
lucky Buddhas. To remind me that life is precious. And Planet of The Apes is awesome.
13 Identical Toy Flintstones' Cars
Hey remember that episode of The Flintstones where Fred got kidnapped by aliens and the aliens made all these Fred robots
that walked around all stiff-limbed and going "Yabba! Dabba! Doo!" in a really robotic voice, and they all went around causing
trouble and everyone thought it was Fred doing it? That was awesome. I thought of that episode when I saw these cars for sale,
because they're all exactly the same and they have a little Fred Flintstones in them. But that's not why I bought them. I
bought them because I only paid a dollar for them. I don't really know what to do with them, but every once in a while I line
them up and in a really robotic voice I go "Yabba! Dabba! Doo!" just like on the cartoon. It doesn't sound funny here
but trust me, it's freakin' HIL-AR-IOUS!!!
Star Trek Patches
One is for Starfleet Command, and one is for The United Federation of Planets. Get it?
And again, I don't want to wear something with a picture of a person on it. That's ust stupid. I want to wear something
that looks like I could be that person. Like I don't want a picture of Mr. Spock; I want a shirt that looks like I could be
Mr. Spock. So that's what I like about these.
Robert E. Lee
Robert E. Lee was the baddest ass Southerner who ever lived. He kicked so much ass everywhere he went. In fact, if you
took all the greatest Generals and military minds in history and put them all in a room, Robert E. Lee would kick the crap
out of every single one of them.
It's kind of like this story I read once where Robert E. Lee commanded a battalion of monkeys against Rommel and Alexander
the Great on this weird planet made of Jello, and.....no, wait, I just made that up...
Anyway, he is totally the coolest guy ever.
Three Lucky Buddhas
These are three little Buddha statues that are going See No Evil, Hear no Evil, Speak No Evil. Do people who believe
in Buddha find this offensive? Because I would, if it was three little Jesus statues. On the other hand, I don't really believe
in Buddha so I don't care. I just don't want some Buddhist to suicide bomb my car when I go to the grocery store or something.
Do Buddhists even do that? I guess I should really know something more about my religious icons before I put them on display
in my home, particularly since these are all on the same shelf as the Lawgiver statue from Planet of The Apes. If
there are any Buddhists reading this, let me hear from you.
The South Was Right!
This book should have been called The South Was Right, God Dammit!! Actually, it probably was, but some cool-headed
editor probably calmed these boys down before it made it to the presses.
I first saw this book in a bookstore near Stone Mountain, GA. I kind of flipped through the pages and thought it looked
really interesting. These guys were writing this book about the South and not making all kind of apologies for it. I mean
like, they didn't deny that there was racism in the South or try to say slavery was ok, or anything like that; they did try
to show economic reasons for the war that were far more pressing issues of the day than slavery ever was, and that the war
was about revenues and territories, not slavery. It's these guys opinion, and I find it interesting to read about, especially
since they have extensive footnotes to back up everything they say.
Now, they made all these points about the war and about how the South had every right to secede, which I thought was
really very interesting. It's a perspective on history that you don't see every day. But as I was reading it, it kind of went
"The South was right!" and I was like, in my head going, "Hell yeah they were right, buddy!" and then it went "The South should
have seceded, let them settle their own affairs and have their own culture and their own country!" and I was thinking "Hell,
yes! They should have! Too bad they, like....you know, didn't..." and then it was like "And we should secede again today!"
And that's when I kind of dropped the book and left the store.
But over the years I thought about it a lot and I was really intrigued by the history presented in the book even though
I didn't like the conclusions that they'd reached at the end. So I got it on Ebay and I might even recommend that other folks
buy it too, just to keep an open mind about things and always consider other points of view. Except that if everyone
starts buying it then people will think I'm endorsing it and my name will get on a list somewhere and I'll wind up in a gulag
right next to Boutros Boutros Golly-Golly.
Yeah, I'm in therapy, so what? Shut up.
Klingon Patch
This isn't just any Klingon patch. I mean, anyone can get one with the Klingon Trifoil and walk around going "Q'aplach!
I'm a Klingon!" and so big deal so what?
No, this is a patch showing the family crest of the House of Martok, the Chancellor of the entire Klingon Empire! Kick
ass! I got it so that I would have something to model my own Klingon family crest on, when I make one up to hang in the foyer
of the house that I one day will buy. And probably grow old alone in.
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Epilouge: Admitting It Is The First Step
You know, this isn't all I bought on Ebay. I bought a bunch of comic books and graphic novels, and regular books, and
some DVDs and every single CD that Tonio K ever recorded (except the early 70s ones with the Crickets)
And I can see how folks might call this an addiction. It's a lot of fun, and geez, there's a lot of crap out there. But
I just got bored, really. I mean I look on ebay now if I need something but I don't get distracted by all the shiny things.
Maybe it's my personality, but I'm kind of over it now.
If I think of other cool stuff I might buy it and add it here, but I think I am kind of done with this page for
a while...
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